Our Own Worst Enemy
When I think of female rivalry, that is, rivalry between women, I think of Cinderella and her step-sisters. I think of the rivalry between Queen Elizabeth I and Mary Queen of Scots. I think of the escapades of the women on Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives. What I’ve rarely considered in recent years is how female rivalry impacts my growth and development as a woman leader.
In 1990, Carolyn Heilbrun, a Jewish American, wrote a provocative book entitled Reinventing Womanhood. In this book, she claimed that the number one reason women failed to achieve in leadership positions was not because men kept barring their way to progress in achievement, but rather because of the failure of women to bond. For Heilbrun, a few women inevitably rose to positions of power and leadership, but because of the failure of women to bond, these women became not woman leaders, but rather honorary men.
Susan Shapiro Barash, in her book, Tripping the Prom Queen, takes the issue a little deeper. According to Barash, the world is still a patriarchal culture, and this fact sets the stage for female rivalry—because women feel that they have to constantly compete with one another for limited and scarce resources such as leadership positions.
Competition between females is nothing new, and it is strung throughout the biblical text, from Sarah and Hagar to Rachel and Leah. If Heilbrun and Barash are right, then the question becomes: are we our own worst enemy when it comes to striving to become better leaders? Until now, most of our attention has been focused on how men hold us back from leadership positions because men, in most cases are the gatekeepers. That is, they have the say on whether or not a woman is welcomed into a leadership position in the church. But have we looked long enough at what women do to each other? Have we been honest about how women in our churches and in our workplaces treat one another—either outright or subversively?
While I don’t completely agree with Heilbrun and Barash, and I think that their assessment of female rivalry is a little overblown, their research makes me pause to wonder what we can do to improve the relationships among woman so that women leaders feel more supported and encouraged by her female friends and counterparts.
And so I am curious, lady leaders, to hear your experiences. Have you felt supported and encouraged by other women as you seek leadership positions, or have you felt the sting of female rivalry when you achieved a great accomplishment?
Good observation here, glad you’re bringing the issue to light in a personal way. I have both felt and given the sting of rivalry among women. I’ve noticed it more the closer the women is to my “unique” strengths. If she is similar to me and skilled, and slightly ethnic, and has great hair and a sharp mind and loves to write…. watch out! I see my rivalry decrease when I know I am loved and known. If I feel a woman is open and vulnerable, most of my rivalry dissipates.
Jonalyn, those are two great insights. Women who are similar to you (although the slightly ethnic part cracked me up) do tend to incite our jealousy a little more, and as we become known, it lessens the rivalry. There is something about being known. Supposedly, too, that stereotypes that prevail among men about women decrease once they get to know the women. Isn’t that interesting???
Just found your blog so I had to chime in on this one. This is an issue that God has really put on my heart recently. I’ve actually used the phrase “we’re our own worst enemies” in some talks I’ve done to women leaders. I’ve found that it’s less out and out rivalry as it is a selfish pursuit of gain or protecting our own territory. I think women have a tendency to operate from a scarcity mentality when it comes to leadership opportunities because we still see these opportunities as limited. I believe that we have a responsibility to develop, grow, nurture & encourage one another and when we develop a generous heart for those things, I think we’ll see our leadership flourish.
Just found your blog so I had to chime in on this one. This is an issue that God has really put on my heart recently. I’ve actually used the phrase “we’re our own worst enemies” in some talks I’ve done to women leaders. I’ve found that it’s less out and out rivalry as it is a selfish pursuit of gain or protecting our own territory. I think women have a tendency to operate from a scarcity mentality when it comes to leadership opportunities because we still see these opportunities as limited. I believe that we have a responsibility to develop, grow, nurture & encourage one another and when we develop a generous heart for those things, I think we’ll see our leadership flourish.
Jonalyn, those are two great insights. Women who are similar to you (although the slightly ethnic part cracked me up) do tend to incite our jealousy a little more, and as we become known, it lessens the rivalry. There is something about being known. Supposedly, too, that stereotypes that prevail among men about women decrease once they get to know the women. Isn’t that interesting???
Just found your blog so I had to chime in on this one. This is an issue that God has really put on my heart recently. I’ve actually used the phrase “we’re our own worst enemies” in some talks I’ve done to women leaders. I’ve found that it’s less out and out rivalry as it is a selfish pursuit of gain or protecting our own territory. I think women have a tendency to operate from a scarcity mentality when it comes to leadership opportunities because we still see these opportunities as limited. I believe that we have a responsibility to develop, grow, nurture & encourage one another and when we develop a generous heart for those things, I think we’ll see our leadership flourish.
+1
Honestly, I haven’t experienced such rivalry (outside of vying for a boy’s attention back in high school *hehe). All my ministries have been rather peaceful and so reading your blog stunned me. God has blessed me with an awesome dad who leads by the Bible, by example, and by being “the least of these.” In my life I have ministered to, taught, mentored, counseled, and just befriended gals of all temperaments and backgrounds. Of all the joy I received from those experiences, the significant effect was that they started serving others, being encouraging and not hostile or tearing-down. I believe the reason my leadership has never encountered a competitive spirit is because of the approach, imitating Jesus’ heart of a servant (modeled in my father) and simply maintaining the perspective: credit is all God’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made ridiculous mistakes and had to swallow my pride on a number of occasions, but when my heart has been for God, my intentions naturally followed. In like manner my co-leaders and overseers have never felt threatened and have actually welcomed and encouraged me to pursue more leadership. My scope is limited, as well as my life experience but when I am at peace at the end of my day I credit God for the victory and know how small I am in His hands.